Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
