I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
