We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
