Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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