I want you more than these girls want KFC
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
