My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
