I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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