I cannot find my penis.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Best friends brother. Beat that.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
