Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
