i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
