I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
