I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
