I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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