so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
