Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish I could punch you in the face.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
