Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
