margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
