My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
