My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
the raccoons are back...
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