if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
