So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
