You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
