The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
