I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
