I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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