FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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