so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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