I'm drive I can fine osifer
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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