Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
