Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
