Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
