Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
