I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
