he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
