When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
