I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
