There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
