God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
