It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
