I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
