my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
