I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize