Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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