before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
