I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
