I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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