I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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