dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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