I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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