Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
