I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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