I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize