I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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