can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
