my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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