Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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