a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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