So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
