I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize